The 33 punchiest one liners of all time

May 19, 2015 News, Other 0 Comments

Some comedians specialise in one liners and others skillfully insert them at the right moment to keep the flow of a routine moving. Whichever it is, a skillfully delivered one-liner can pack a punch and bring a crowd to tears of comedic joy. We’ve chosen some of our favourite one-liners from some of our favourite comedians of all time. If you get to the bottom of this one without laughing, we’ll give you a hot dog dressed up in a mohair sweater.



    1. Steven Wright: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
    2. Zach Galifianakis: “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.”
    3. Bob Newhart: “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’”.
    4. Jerry Seinfeld: “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.”
    5. Louis C.K.: “There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fu**ing liars.”
    6. Spike Milligan: “Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard”
    7. Eric Morecambe: “I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back”
    8. Ambrose Bierce: “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography”
    9. Unknown: “Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings…”
    10. Unknown: “They should put prizes in tampon boxes. Like yeah your period sucks, but here’s 50% off ice cream.”
    11. Henry Youngman: “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
    12. Jimmy Carr: “I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead. “
    13. Henry Youngman – “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money”
    14. Unknown – “A friend at work once pronounced “comfortable” as come-for-table. To which I replied… “stay for chair.”
    15. Unknown: I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
    16. Jimmy Carr: Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
    17. George Carlin: “Oh! You hate your job? Why didn’t you say so There is a support group for that. It’s called “Everybody” and they meet at the bar”
    18. Lewis Black: “What does the word ‘meteorologist’ mean in English? It means liar.”
    19. Sarah Silverman: “I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece…” –
    20. Jack Barry: “If I’m ever feeling down I just type: ‘Yo are the best’ into Google. Then it responds: ‘I think you mean: “You are the best”’ and I feel much better.”
    21. JImmy Carr: “David Cameron says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. That’s wrong. Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like”
    22. Bridget Christie: “Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.”

Because we couldn’t just choose one from these power-packed episodes, we want you to enjoy full albums of one-liners here:

23.  Anthony Jeselnik: here.
24.  Nick Thune: here.

And because sometimes you just have to be there, we’ll give you these clips from Youtube, so you can be there:


25. Gary Delaney


26. Anthony Jeselnik


27. Stewart Francis:


28. Tim Vine:


29. Dan Mintz:


30. Don Rickles


31. Milton Jones:


32. Steven Wright:


33. Demetri Martin:

If you didn’t laugh at least once, get in touch, we’ll send you your hotdog in the mail.

Into one-upmanship? Post your favourite one-liners in the comments section below.